Archive for November, 2011

It’s all a crap shoot

Funny how the small tokens of shitty relationships past show up when ya just ain’t in the goddamn mood!
Another nameless, faceless hick town found me in dire need of solid slumber, too much whiskey keeps me up with the lousy locals all too often, even my boots feel rather pissy! Too many miles chewed up on another blustery autumnal wander, too many predictable tunes too keep me in the meloncholy tidbits, and somehow not enough hijinx to blot out the endless blur of memory.
I slung my mangled carpetbag onto the faded stained faux wood table next to the door, knocking the lamp over onto the bed, casting curious, unpredictable shadows in a way that suited me, I left it as such. After a brief restle with the chewed up zipper, I rummaged through tangles of panties and unmatched socks, searching for the familiar soft drape of a concert shirt from a few life times ago, my constant travel companion, only to have something hollow and hard click against my nicotine stained nails. Intrigued, I turned the bag upside down and gave it a quick, viscious shake, the contents vomiting forth, untill the bed was covered with a jigsaw puzzle of my current mode of existance. Rooting through the ruble, I came across the foreign object that sought my attention. I scooped it up in my palm and sat on the crappy, musty sad excuse for carpeting and let out a dull chuckle. The cheap, faded plastic poker chip must have been wedged into some far reaching corner of my bag for years beyond my booze soaked brains comprehension.
A pathetic reminder of years back when my lover was some throw back  DG, (that’s Degenerate Gambler to ya common folk) who schooled me on the back beat of the Bad Beat. No days of wine and roses there my friend, more like the high roller suite on the off nights and shitty comp food in the lousy light of 3am. He showed me all the angles of the the poker parlors, from AC to Vegas and in turn, I showed he didn’t know shit!
Just another fella full of swagger who couldn’t back up all the big talk, kinda always seems to run that way. They come on like a fucking frieght train, bold and best foot forward,and y’all know the same stupid story, bastards always reveal their true identity once they think they are in the door, yet the poor slobs always look so damn surprised when I slam that door in their face! Oh how the mighty fall!! And I, the sweet lil’ lovin’ thing just let their sorry asses hit terra firm, save yourself pal, ain’t my job no more! Little boys wearing the masks of men, christ, if it weren’t so pathetic it would be down right silly!
I unfolded my frame and tossed the chip over my head, it landed on the bed and bounced onto the floor where I left it as I hauled my road worn suede over my shoulder. Time to see what sort of trouble was brewing just outside my door now that sleep seemed yet again years from me. Nostalgic trips down jack ass lane just wasn’t my scene tonight!
No wonder I jump state lines like a school girl on a hopscotch grid!


She drove, but in her mind, she flew.

With each mile passed, burdens melted, meloncholy found it’s way towards the exit and she was content.

Roads begging for swiftness, yet, she enjoyed the leisure of this journey. The solitude most welcoming, the familiarity, comforting.

The sky before her, slate in color, her companion, the songs she had not known, but had come to adore, etching something both terrible and wonderful in her.

Once again to drift away from the sea of cowards and liars. And the endless parade of boys shamelessly wearing the masks of men. Wendy was glad to be on her way home, to the safety of it, away from the bold, prying eyes that she felt upon her.

For Wendy resides somewhere between Neverland and Wonderland, a place that was more like heaven, her haven. And there, awaiting her, was family, peaceful and accepting.

She knew who could be counted on, having fingers left over for others to come. She knew there were more who will dissapoint, yet others who shall fulfill. And above and beyond, Wendy knew who she was, what no other could put asunder.

As the darkness of night closed in, the street lamps flickered….. WELCOME

I miss witnessing

The faint blue

Of the dying night.

For when dreams are not dreamt

They can not be forgotten

I ran a mile today

Not to escape the demons and ghosts

But to feel the blood rush into my heart

To feel alive

I ran to make my body ache like my soul

Knowing fully I can not out run what death leaves behind

We who are left to wonder

Such questions forever left unanswered

I ran for love

Testing my resolve

Propelled forward by convictions

To keep my heart open despite it all

I ran for the faith others have in me

For the strength another gave for me to pass forward

The solace found in the gentle hands that lulled me to sleep

All for the sake that I may awake and be capable

I ran a mile today

Just so that I could move forward one inch

As I sat in an unfamiliar church

Surrounded by many unknown, mourning the same

My body trembled with tears

Pain, raw,… and anger, with no where to place it

So lost in a sea of blurred faces and words meant to comfort

Then, in brief breeze of a heart beat, something washed over me

Or more so, through me

A familiar comfort, almost a whisper

And calmness passed over

For the first time, I felt grounded

And so damn blessed

For however fleeting the time together

I was safe in the knowledge of how it will eternally resonate

We, the blessed

For we have caught the golden ring

Felt the magic of love

Shared the secrets, the laughter, and the compassion

So many others that hide from the starkness

Crippled with the fear of real emotions, and the acts that blossom from them

Blessed are those who realize the beauty

Blessed are those who can live and love with an open heart

Blessed are those who can gather strength from others

Blessed, are we

For we gave and recieved


Just when you fear it may be too late

You may just find the chance to grab a moment

To feel the soft air swirl through your hair

To laugh as though you were never touched by sadness

To feel the boardwalk give way to bicycle tires

As the sea glistens back at you

To steal a long over due kiss

And share soft secrets

Mingled with fits of giggles

Through tangles of hair

To wander through the house as night drifts through open windows

Singing softly

Feeling yourself give over to thoughts of slumber

And to hope to notice the leaves at each change of color

As you have kissed Summer goodbye

Yeah, I know, we have all walked that lonely mile, I’m no exception to that rule. Shame that even when standing still, it all ends up the five car pile up on the interstate at rush hour.

We walk, we talk.  We rationilize, we fornicate, and still, we find ourselves top heavy with the bottom of a bottle.

These days and lost and lonely nights, when no words come, just heavy in heart and head. The click clack of pitter patter of my boots are the only sounds I have to offer. No engine drone to drown out the silence, all the things I never and couldn’t say, shouldn’t. A life time of would of, could of, should ofs, a useless pile amounting to times misspent and loves lost. Where is the bravery in a swagger and brawl when ya need it? Who’s to say what is real or not, who’s to call ya out on your own bullshit? When do you find clarity through the haze of cigarette smoke and whiskey and lust?
Each lie we tell ourselves, for every time we sequester away some sacred, hidden portion of ourselves, we cheat. We cheat ourselves and the one we are attempting to save ourselves from, from….. what?!?! A huge fucking pile of angst and heart break. don’t ask me, I ain’t no saint in the realm of the heart .
Each lonely truck stand at 3am lending no solace for me when all I seek is a warm body and no bullshit. Since when did being the lone wolf amount to the endless search? Why is it the aimless wanderer searches for substances?
The stark moon sneered at me, reminding me of the days back when I was so much more pure in conviction. Before this endless ramble of shattered black top took the reins. How did suspicion and the snarky cruelty creep in with out nary a notice? Why is this ancient beat to death convertible my mobile home, keeping me rootless and wild? What is it that finds me eating thousands of miles as if the very hounds of hell were on my heals? Still young enough to count the stars as a blessing, but perhaps under the misguided notion that they were no longer anything to send a random wish upon.
Funny what your brain conjurs when last call has long since been bellowed. I can only ponder silently, cruelly, what this next god forsaken sunrise has in store for me. When I push myself, and the pedal, harder, and farther from what I so desperatly want and fear.
The fickle finger of fate, sick bastard that it is, keeps my heart on high speed in the blender of life, and all I wish plug, stop for one fucking minute, and FEEL!

And my moon was a vaporous wisp

A nebulous wish

Shrouded in the vague wonderment of all things ethereal

For tonight, my angels keeping the ever watchful eye shined ever so brightly, they made dim the midnight sun.

And I was protected and surounded by the love of those who have gone before me

Such safety in the knowledge of love ever lasting

May I say to the heavens, the honor was all mine.

A cool, nebulous fog blankets the shore line, forcing all this was once familiar to become otherwise.

Imparting an ethereal, luminous quality to street lamps and avenues.

The sky crashes down yet again, the turmoil of family.

Left to once again feel childhood fears, but, no tears.

The portion of Wendy, grounded in the far previous surfaces.

Before she was first whisked away to Neverland, back when she first sought the rabbit hole of another wonderous one.

Before her heart was to be mared by romantic consequences.

This, and more she has since reconciled, yet, it lingers.

A meanacing shadow she has left in the past, wishing to haunt her still.

For even if her lip were to tremble, it would not be for fear, but for strength welling, mounting, and surfacing.

Remembering how she first became the Pheonix Rising, something more than than a meek child, once bound by fear, and someone bolder than the confines of Neverland.

To quote another,

Sqaure one, my slate is clear

Rest your head on me, my dear

Took a world of trouble

Took a world of tears

Took a long time

To get back here

Fleeing to the safety of the rabbits hole no longer holds such an allure.

She knows what she must do.

Such the stillness,  gentle quiet blanketing me, if not for my unabashed tears.

The heart breaking rays attempting to dry my cheeks, yet, I am not afraid.

There is no altering these consequences, the permanancy, for I am above, and you both, below my cold toes.

This day, to have the odd celebration of lives that are no longer, how could I ever honor you both properly?

I bring the blaring sounds of Ella Fitgerald, lillting about the granite gravestones, and despite the cold, I draw warmth of memories.

Of ice cream dates, and silly arguments, of pride and disapointment, I miss it all.

My precious, cherished heirloom, upon my left hand, glinting in the light, wondering was I worthy when you passed it on to me.

The solitary cigarette and steaming cup of joe, just as you both would have.

Standing were I will eventually lay beside, I try so hard to be strong.

Did I show the love and appreciation?

For there is nothing worse than being cliche, not knowing what all you have untill it is gone.

I love you

Good bye.